Many of us seek a LTCR (long term committed relationship). But what defines LTCR? Does commitment mean exclusivity in thought, in feeling, in intimacy, in all aspects of our life? We believe that once we’ve entered into a LTCR, we have won the right to expect our partner to become everything we need, and want, and desire. The attachment that most have to this set of expectations is the hallmark of many relationships and their failure.
Our expectations and the attachment we have to them interferes with our ability to form healthy and lasting relationships. A man will try to control and limit “his” woman. The woman will attempt to transform “her” man into her notion of the person she can most love and care for.
Control and transformation become the common dynamic of many relationships. We are taught that psychological attachment is a key component of a healthy relationship. But is it when so much of what we experience as attachment is based upon limiting the person we are with or requiring that person to be something they are not?
So what should define a relationship? One would hope friendship, intimacy, love, communication, and sharing time with another person. But quickly, one finds dependencies created. Suddenly, my happiness is based on your actions and your conformance to what I want you to say, do, or be. Instead of being satisfied with receiving what one’s partner can give, soon there’s an expectation of more. You must do and be these things before I will like you and love you.
Everything we are taught in the media, in the advice we receive and in what we’ve observed in the relationships of our family and friends is that this is the way things are. We accept as the norm that we cannot have independence, respect, and egality. We reconcile to the idea that to be loved, we have to become someone else. We believe that being in a relationship with another means that we can now expect that person to make us happy by fulfilling our vision of who he/she should be.
But there is one expectation that is greater than all the others; the expectation that you are responsible for the happiness of your partner. It is common to see a relationship as a closed unit within which one partner fulfills all the needs of the other. You are expected to transform to become everything that your partner needs and desires. The expectation is that as soon as you can achieve this impossible task, you will be happy.
When a committed relationship is also an exclusive relationship, as most are, the inherent requirement is that we must fulfill all the needs of our partner. We doom our relationships by expecting our partner to provide us with the universe of things that we need, want, and desire. Exclusively looking to just one person for so much, expecting and needing that person to provide all that we need leads almost without fail to unhappiness and strife. Often, we are so caught up in what we expect to receive; we fail to see so much of what our partner can give us that we didn’t expect.
We focus on interdependence with just one person and being cognizant of our interrelatedness in relationships. But, we fail to see the impossible task we are giving the person we love. How can she/he meet all of our needs, desires, and wants? How can that one person be able to do so much for us? The strain that we create on ourselves and our partner is too much. All of the expectations that we have are now sitting on the head of that person we’ve chosen to be our “exclusive” partner.
In tantra, we are taught that each of us is responsible for our own orgasm. If you accept this then it isn’t hard to see that each of us is also responsible for our own happiness. Soon one realizes that transforming our partner is no longer necessary. We may even find out that there are things that person has to offer that we never expected.
We may need to go outside of our relationships to meet some of our needs. Doing so liberates our partner from an impossible task. More importantly, we then have the opportunity to define our relationships as not just the sum total of what each of us can bring to the other but also the experience we gain from the broader interdependent web we’ve created to other people in our lives.
Relationship and commitment can now be redefined. Suddenly, it is the sharing of experience, the individual transformation of ourselves based on our individual experience and vision of what we can become that we are sharing with another. As I choose to love my partner unconditionally, I have the joy of seeing her fulfilled even if that fulfillment doesn’t come through myself. We have freed each other from being solely responsible for our happiness.
Exclusivity can now be defined by the manner within which we interrelate with our partner. What becomes exclusive is the sharing of our experience, our thoughts, our feelings, and our energy. Exclusivity is defined by the depth of our communication. It is the agreements that are created around shared visions and intentions that then becomes a relationship. The commitment component of a relationship becomes the dedication that each partner has for helping the other achieve their vision and move in their intended direction. We release attachment and embrace unconditional love for our partner and for ourselves.
Love,