Losing Libido Led to the Source of Love

After experiencing a long period without a sexual partner or even a sexual encounter, you may feel your libido wane. But, do not give up hope. Just because something is lost doesn’t mean you’ll never find it again.

After 20 years in an unhappy marriage, I confronted my loss of libido. I had always been a person who enjoyed sex and sensuality. My relationship history was made up of women who enjoyed love making. My marriage started that way but over time the issues, unresolved conflict, resentments, and dysfunction brought us to a place that was loveless. Our passion was gone. We no longer enjoyed each other’s company. We didn’t love.

As the years passed the once a week became once a month; the once a month became once a year. Soon there was no lovemaking, no love, no contact between us. Through this slow, gradual process my desire diminished until one day I realized that I no longer cared about sex and lovemaking. I stopped masturbating. I no longer sought out pleasure in my life. Looking back at that time, it feels like my sexual desire was a muscle I had stopped exercising and, through disuse, it had grown weak and flaccid until it could no longer function.

Of late, I’ve met others who have experienced this. People, who have not been touched, caressed, cared for, and loved for so long they stopped expecting it, stopped desiring it. They’ve forgotten what it feels like to the point that their bodies no longer function. They feel a sense of profound loss. What we had and can remember is gone and, not even knowing how it was lost or where it went, it seems irretrievable.

Having felt this in my life, I can recognize others who have felt the same thing. We feel a sadness that is hard to explain. But, we are adults after all. We have raised children and done important things. We have won and lost much in our life so the first thought is to move on. Get on with life. Accept what is, find other things that can fill ones time and provide distraction. We hike, spend time with friends, read, go out, take trips. We’re busy.

I didn’t want to accept the loss. I didn’t want to write off that part of my life. It was just too important to me. This was the begining of my quest. The discovery of the tantrika inside myself that led me to become a Daka (a tantric teacher and coach). It wasn’t something I planned or even fully understood as I was experiencing it. The transformation that took place was subtle but at the same time profound. One day, I suddenly saw that I had become a different person.

I discovered compassion. I experienced unconditional love. I found meaning in presence. I learned to give. And, yes, I found what I had lost. My libido was lurking there hiding under some old leaves. But, once I picked it up, dusted it off, and made it my own again, I realized that what I had before had changed. Maybe it was an aging process, grapes into wine; perhaps it was a sapling that had finally crossed over to become a tree, soft shoot becoming wood. What I had found, the thing that I had regained, was something more than when I had lost it.

Yes, those 20 years were difficult and painful but during that time I discovered within me all the things that make the connection between myself and another truly meaningful. I learned to truly care. I was no longer distracted and could be satisfied just sitting in the moment. I discovered the joy that comes from being able to give profoundly to another. But, most important, I experienced what it was to love unconditionally.

Finding that source of unconditional love within me, I discovered that I could turn all that compassion and care onto someone important. I could love myself.

TL