Sexual Gratification, Relationships, Connection
Monday, February 23, 2009 at 10:37AM Men and women, we are sensual, sexual, beings. Some of us express this by searching for simple gratification of our need to connect physically. Others, desire to satisfy this need but accompany the experience with something more profound. We've all had one night stands. Your's truly, included. Given how men "fire" sexually this isn't uncommon though many women out there have had their fair share. But, over time, many of us learn that what matters most is the deeper and more profound connection that two people can create. That connection doesn't happen because you've had sex. Sex is a part of it but the connection itself grows out of much more.
After reaching that point of awareness in my own life, I began looking for the fullness of the connection I could create. There could still be those moments of raw sexual passion, maybe even the occasional first night stand (as opposed to one night stand which infers no abiding relationship beyond those moments). But all of this comes with the understanding that the focus and intention is to create that deeper connection. Though for some, their value systems require that the order of things be held along a certain line, the order that things happen in isn't as important as the quality of the exchange and how each moment, each event, has the possibility to build toward that connection. That the feelings we have for each other are allowed to grow.
Being open to the possibility and sensitive to ones own intuition; I listen for the signs that tells me that this person, this moment, could lead to that deeper and more profound connection. Its easy to miss, when you aren't mindful, or lack clarity, or aren't fully here. For myself, I know I've let some of those moments slip away. I can remember women who I had an immediate, visceral reaction to, who I could connect with easily, who I felt awesome with but who slipped out of my life again because of my own failure to really listen. Listen to myself.
I've had some great relationships start from first night stands, btw. I've also had some really really crappy relationships start from first night stands. Like I said, sex is one element but if you can't put the other pieces together you'll never build the puzzle. Maybe its my age or maybe its my experience. Maybe I'm a tiny bit wiser or a little bit smarter. Who knows? ;-) I just know that my focus is different now. I'm looking for completeness and less concerned about achievement or gratification.
Don't get me wrong, though. If I feel attracted to someone, I feel aroused by that person. I will desire physical connection. I'm a guy and I feel what guys feel, after all. I guess what's different now is that I don't need to and don't have to act on that feeling to be happy with someone or with the experience that I've had. More importantly, I know how important it is to have mutuality in experience, to share the same level of desire for the other, and how exciting it is when that happens.
What I look for is passion. That doesn't mean hot, steamy, sex on the first date. That means being willing to open ones heart. Wanting to express ones feelings and desires to another and realize them for oneself. I've been on dates with women who presented themselves to me in a somewhat sterile, clinical manner. What a turn off! They told me about their children, their history, their work, whatever, but nothing about what they felt in their hearts. I'd get home after a date like this and later find out that they liked me, that they were excited to meet me or that they felt attracted to me. That they felt all of this but never expressed it or showed it in any way. That's the antithesis of passion. Letting oneself go, taking risks, not by jumping into bed with someone but by opening ones heart to another is what its all about.
I guess, in some ways, asking someone to open up in that way could be even more of a risk then jumping into bed. When you start to think about how vulnerable you can become when you reveal your inner feelings to another, gratuitous sex pales in comparison. (I think there's a pick up line in there somewhere. Hmm, I'll have to think about that. hee hee)
Sexual connection can be spiritual, even sacred. What makes it such is the intention each of us brings to the experience. But, this could be said for anything one does. And, this is key. Sexual connection, because of the profound nature of sexual exchange, can be one of the most spiritual connections we can make. But, anything we do can be done mindfully, with presence, any act can be a spiritual act. Washing dishes or chopping firewood can be a meditative if you choose. These too can be sacred moments. All the tantra-speak out on the web use the term "sacred sexuality" but ultimately tantra isn't just about mindful lovemaking but mindful living.
Reader Comments (2)
Lovely, flowing, and heartfelt...... thanks........
As was I, so many are confused when they hear "sacred sexuality". And, being my nature I just had to know more about this. Basically, I'm nosey.
What I learned was what the tantra focuses upon .........being present, mindful, learning to find the "sacred" in the everyday. I have experienced this many times wtihout realizing it. Now I can take pleasure everyday, in the everyday.
Thank you TL for showing me this.